Friday, 9 September 2011

I don't have feathers, no beak either and I never eat worms.

Self Pity - D.H. Lawrence

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

I, however, am not a bird. During this time in my life, I feel sorry for myself every single day. The upside is that I'm not wallowing in it as much as I wallowed the past two pregnancies. That's been good. I wish I could transform myself into some rough and tough old bird like what I imagine cave women were like. I am not a bird and I am not a cave woman and so I suffer and feel a little sorry for myself. So, this is mostly not good, however, there is a little nugget from these patches of suffering: I understand and respect the place of suffering in our human experience. I'm not saying I'm out looking for punches - I just no longer mentally fight with WHY?? What's the point of this senseless suffering?? Because I now see and appreciate how suffering can bring people closer together.

Example: today my husband took a day off work to take over at home for me so I could just rest. I'm almost crying as I write because this gesture meant so much to me. And my heart is filled with love and gratitude for him and my marriage is better for this. And all that thanks to my little patch of suffering.

But I'd leave my little patch of suffering in a second if it was offered to me - like I said, I'm no bird.


Eileen Young said...

If this pregnancy suffering brings such wonderful children like yours, I'd enjoy the suffering.
I had a good chat with little Oliver at Hu/Diane's place when the Young boys came home for a little family gathering. We had quite a conversation, Oliver & I. He told me he helps cleaning up - when it's a long clean-up he likes music but when it's a little clean-up he does not need it. What insight !He is a great conversationalist!

LiNds said...

Beautifully put. I remember trying to explain this to a friend once. She had just suffered through a great trial and when it was over she was phoning friends to share in the good news. She said, 'I'm so happy now'- I, in my empathy for her (having been through a tough patch and happy ending myself) said, 'it's because of your suffering that you feel so happy now!!!'

Char said...

Grannie - thanks, I love my boys and yes, Oliver is a very tidy little boy.

Linds -thanks for your support Linds! I can't wait for the "so happy now" part!!! Hope you and Spence are doing well.